all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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