yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
