My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
