Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
