i wish my penis had a tongue
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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