I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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