I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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