I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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