I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
