One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wish you could order shots online.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
