I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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