Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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