Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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