totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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