Just fell off a train. Bad.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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