you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
