Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
