You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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