hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
