i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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