So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
