i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
