Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
