1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
