I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
