I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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