he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
