my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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