so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize