John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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