I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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