The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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