Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
