whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
