he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize