and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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