end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
