If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
