Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
