He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
