I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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