I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
