Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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