Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
