You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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