I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
