I can tuck mytits in my pants
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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