We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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