dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You dont lie about slip and slides
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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