Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
