I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
