I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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