i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
