I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize