last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
